Check Out Line
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.. As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.

The drunk said, "You must be single."

The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the conveyor belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, "Well, Y'know, that's right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replies, "Cause you're uglier 'n shit."

  Sven & Ole
Sven & Ole worked together and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.

Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher; I sew the elastic on to cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher finding it as unskilled labor, she gave Ole $300 a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 per week unemployment. When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed into the unemployment office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained that panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor.

"What skill?" yelled Ole, " I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls it over his head and says, "Yep, diesel fitter'".

  Prayer For The Stressed
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today, because they really pissed me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today,
as they may be connected to the ass I have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work…
12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday and 5% on Friday.

And help me to remember, when I'm having a really bad day,
And it seems that people are trying to piss me the fuck off,
that it takes 42 muscles to frown,
and only one to extend my middle finger.

  Girl Power
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl. We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

  Louisiana Cajun country,
One day Gaston asked his mama, "mama, how old you be?"
Mama said, "not to talk about such things!"
Then he said, "mama, how much you be weighing?"
Mama said, "not to talk about such things!"
Then he said, "mama, how come papa left?"
Mama said, "not to talk about such things!"

Then Gaston went to his friend Boudreaux to tell him about the problem.
Boudreaux listened, and told Gaston it was no problem -- he could get all this information from his mother's driver's license.

A few days later Gaston said to his mama, "mama I know how old you be. You be having 45 years." Mama said, "I don't know how you found out, but this is true." Then Gaston said, "mama, I know how much you be weighing -- you have 115 lbs." Mama said, "I don't know how you found out, but this is true."

Gaston then said, "mama, I know why papa left -- you got an F in Sex!"

  Gross
Two men were at a baseball game when one man looked over his shoulder and spotted a woman sitting several rows behind them.

He nudged his buddy and said, "Hey, look up there, that lady is not wearing panties!"

"Naw," came the reply, "she's got black lace panties on."

"No!" replied the first man, "that's the real thing!"

After arguing back and forth, they made a bet and asked the vendor if he wanted to make a fast buck. The first man said, "Hey buddy, go up there and see if it's the real thing or black lace panties."

The vendor goes up, grabs a quick look and runs back to the two men.

"Well," asked the first man, "isn't it the real thing?"

"Nope." came the reply from the vendor.

"Then I was right, she has black lace panties on, right?"

"Nope." came the reply again.

"For Pete's sake, man," yelled the first man, "it's got to be one or the other!"

"Nope," replied the vendor. "It's flies."

  The Sad News About Beer.
You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable. Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test this theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one-hour period. It was when observed that 100% of the men:

 · Gained weight.
 · Talked excessively without making sense.
 · Became overly emotional.
 · Couldn't drive.
 · Failed to think rationally.
 · Argued over absolutely nothing.
 · Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing is planned--due to the obvious validly of their theory.

  Top 10 Signs That Your Son Has Grown Too Old For Breast Feeding
10.  He can open your blouse by himself.
9.  While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8.  He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7.  He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6.  He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5.  Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4.  After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3.  He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2.  You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.
1.  Beard abrasions on areola.

  Bill Gates vs. General Motors
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the Computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT", but then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.
9. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "Start" button to shut off the engine.

It couldn't have been said any better.

  A Heartwarming Story
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and at lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week".

"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"?

"I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the fucking bricks", replied the little girl.

  Penguin car problems
A vacationing penguin is driving down the road on a hot summer day when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin, he decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big vanilla ice cream cone and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream and getting it all over himself, he goes back to the gas station, and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and replies, "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

  Snowstorm
A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold."

He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket, and put it on her. Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold."

He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."

This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."

The nun said, "That's fine by me."

To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own damn blanket!"

  Nombre de Penis
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan: Just Do It. That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because: It really Satisfies."

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "Timex."

The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "Ford. Because: Quality is Job 1."

Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my fucking beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The customer says, "Because it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."

  Shipwreck
A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop fucking down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. "We weren't making love."

"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were." Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're fucking down there!"

  Satan pays a visit
A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" ,Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." ,said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" ,asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute." ,returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity?" ,persisted Satan.

"Yep." ,was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" ,asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years.

  Honeymoon
A guy out on the golf course takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor and asked, How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way.

The doctor told him, I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week. So he took four tongue depressors, formed a neat little four-sided bandage and wired it all together -- an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries and goes on his honeymoon. That night, in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of knockers. This was the first time he saw them. She said, You're the first, no one has ever touched these breasts. He whips off his pants and says, Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!

  Things A Southerner Would Never Say:
1. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
2. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
3. Duct tape won't fix that.
4. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael
5. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken
6. We don't keep firearms in this house.
7. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
8. You can't feed that to the dog.
9. I thought Graceland was tacky.
10. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
11. Wrasslin's fake.
12. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
13. We're vegetarians.
14. Do you think my gut is too big?
15. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
16. Honey, we don't need another dog.
17. Who's Richard Petty?
18. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
19. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
20. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

  In Los Angeles
Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home.
A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and cornflakes, and a banana was sticking out of his ass.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

  Hair Spray
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

  Lost a fight
"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said.
"And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."

  Women and Cats
I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, hey love in a cat.

  Death Row Wish
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"

To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

  A Visit To The Zoo
Little Johnny is visiting the zoo with his mother. They go to the elephant exhibit, where a big old bull elephant is taking a leak. Johnny points to the pachyderm's privates and says, "Mommy, what's that?"

Mommy, seeing the huge member, turns bright red and says, "Oh, that's nothing. Never mind. Come along now."

A few weeks later, Johnny is at the zoo with his father. Johnny grabs his dad by the hand, and pulls him over the elephants, saying he has a question. Once there, Johnny points to the elephant's member and says, "Daddy, what's that?"

Dad replies, "Didn't your mother tell you?"

"Yes, she told me it was nothing."

"Well, your mom is spoiled, son."