Little Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf." The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf." Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you fuck off, I'm trying to shit!"

  Costume Party
Sam and Susan were invited to a costume party. Susan went out and rented costumes for the both of them. However, when the time came for the party, Susan wasn't feeling well and Sam went on alone.

A few hours later, Susan began to feel better and decided to go on to the party. She realized that while she knew Sam was in a gorilla suit, he had never seen her costume, and decided to go and see what he got up to while he was alone.

She arrived and observed him dancing closely with a series of beautiful women. She approached him and began flirting, and soon they were taking a walk in the woods alone. They then undressed in the darkness and had sex.

She got home before her husband and when he arrived, she was in bed. She asked him, "How was the party?". He replied "Oh, the usual - you know I never have much fun at these things alone." "Didn't you even dance?", she asked. "No, I sat in the den all night playing cards. The guy I loaned my costume to had a ball, though..."

  Presidential Test
1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack?
2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant?
3. Which president had sex with one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office?
4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister?
5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"?
6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband, and was branded an "adulterer" during his re-election campaign?
7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife while he was engaged to someone else?
8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady's personal secretary?
9. Which president had sex with a young woman in a White House coat closet - at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them?
10. Which president had sex in a closet while telling his partner about the *other* president who did the same in a closet? (The one from Question 9)?
11. Which vice president was ticked off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was much more "impressive" (i.e. numerous) than the President's?
12. Which future president, while a college student, enjoyed showing off his penis (which he named Jumbo)?

Answers
1. John F. Kennedy
2. Bill Clinton
3. Lyndon B. Johnson
4. Thomas Jefferson
5. Bill Clinton
6. Andrew Jackson
7. George Washington, Lyndon B. Johnson
8. Franklin D. Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy
9. Warren G. Harding
10. John F. Kennedy
11. Lyndon B. Johnson
12. Lyndon B. Johnson

  Newsflash
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery this afternoon in central Ireland. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

  Little Johnny
One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Little Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle??? Wait until Christmas!"

Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again.
The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time."

Well, about 2 days later, the boy packed all of his belongings in a suitcase and walked out of the house. Concerned, the father asked him why he was leaving.

Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were 'pulling out,' and mommy said that 'you should wait because she was coming, too...."

"And I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna get stuck with your $80,000 mortgage!"

  Dr. Ruth
Dear Dr Ruth,
I'm writing to tell you my problem, It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing; Ironing, Washing dishes, Sweeping, even doing E-Mail on AOL, etc. I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd funothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld ;;'cinsely ous mdyl isnt';dk

  Anniversary
On their way home after celebrating their 25th anniversary, she thanks him for a wonderful evening.

"Oh. it's not over yet," says he.

Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box. She opens it in anticipation, "But what are these two little pills?"

"Aspirin," says he.

"But I don't have a headache," says she.

"GOTCHA!!!"

  Humor at the Expense of our Redneck Sisters and Brothers
Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it until she's fourteen.

What's the most popular pick-up line in Alabama?
"Nice tooth".

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."

How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
A documentary.

How many rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat and one to watch for traffic.

Why did God invent Armadillos?
So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the half shell.

Where was the toothbrush invented?
Oklahoma. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

An Arkansas State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "'Bout what?"

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas, burned down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

A new law recently passed in North Carolina: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

What's the best thing ever to come out of Tennessee?
I-40.

Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says "Hey, Tommy Ray, what'cha got in that thar' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guess how many they are, can I have one?"
"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmmmmm. . . five?"

A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "How do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you still have them big red trucks?"

Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.

What do you have when you have 32 Rednecks in the same room?
A full set of teeth.

  Jesse Jackson
Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying off when he noticed a white band just above his eyes to the top of his head.

Fearing he was turning white, he called his doctor and told him of his problem. The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.

After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Jesse and told him to drink it all. Jesse did and replied that it tasted like shit. The doctor replied, "It was, Jesse. You were a quart low."

  10 Things that piss me off
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is, buddy ... where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is??

2. The Pillsbury Doughboy is waaaayyy too happy considering he doesn't have a dick!

3. People who are willing to search the entire room for the damn TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change it manually!

4. When people say..."Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it, too." Damn Right!!! What good is a piece of cake if you can't eat it? What should I do...eat someone else's piece of cake instead??

5. When people say..."It's always the last place you look." No shit!! Why the fuck would you keep looking for it after you've already found it?? Do people do this?? Who and where are they??

6. When people say, while watching a movie ... "Did you see that?" No, dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to a theater and stare at the fucking ceiling up there. What did you come here for??

7. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?"
Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

8. When something is "New & Improved". Which is it? If it's new, there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement then there must have been something before it!

9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going. "You should know, asshole. You're the one that pulled me over!"

10. Chain letters! Who the hell thinks that by annoying other people with stupid mail with no meaning, that they will grant you a wish, or make your long-lost love fall into your arms. Bullshit! I'm so sure that by breaking a stupid chain letter that the computer gods are going to curse me!! What a crock of shit!!!

  Joe
Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife,
But she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy in
and send this note to his wife:

THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered his note and sent it back by the boy. It read:

TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN,
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE,
NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down. It read:

THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOUR DOING AND GIVE ME SOME HEAD

To which she replied:

I"M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND
BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW
SO DO IT BY HAND!!

  Mobile Home Living
You Know You're Trailer Trash When:
1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table (in front of her kids.)
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey watch this."
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
14. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
15. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
16. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
17. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the       House of Tattoos.
18. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against      it.
19. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
20. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

  It's Dark In Here
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it."
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$25.00"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball mitt."
The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$75.00"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$100.00"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends Like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to Take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

  Little Jonny
Little Johnny is absent from school one day. On his return his
teacher asks, "We didn't see you in class, what was wrong
with you yesterday, Johnny?"

"My Daddy got burned, Miss," says Johnny.

Taken aback, the teacher replies
"That's a shame, Johnny. Was he badly burned?"

Johnny looks at her.
"They don't fuck around at the crematorium, Miss."

  Friendly sayings from Arkansas
1. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
2. It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.
3. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
4. Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.
5. She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm.
6. It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
7. My cow died last night so I don't need your bull.
8. Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining.
9. He's as country as cornflakes.
10. This is gooder'n grits.
11. Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.
12. If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy          'em.

  Different Types of Orgasms
Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms

  Movies
What if some famous movies were remade to fit into today's pop culture? Instead of being in boring old English they'd be written in Ebonics. I've taken the liberty of translating a few easily identifiable movie quotes into this new language for your reading pleasure.

"Luke, I'm your father."
Ebonics: "Hey boy, I's yo daddy."

"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!"
Ebonics: "Later, bitch!"

"To be or not to be? That is the question."
Ebonics: "Is I is or is I ain't? Shiiit"

"I'll be back."
Ebonics: "I's a fixin' to bust a cap in yo ass."

"We're off to see the wizard."
Ebonics: "We's fixin' to see the hoodoo 'bout some voodoo."

"You've got to get mad! Stand up wherever you are, go to the
nearest window and yell as loud as you can: 'I'm mad as hell,
and I'm not going to take it anymore!'"
Ebonics: Fuuuck You!

"We're going to need a bigger boat."
Ebonics: You see da teeth on this mutha fucka? Turn this
piece-a-shit around and get my black ass back to shore!

"I am Spartacus."
Ebonics: "Who da fuck is Spartacus?

  Things I've learned
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that, without a good mind, you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others, they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

  If the World was fair to Men
1. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th, so it would
    only occur on leap years.
2. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
3. St. Patrick's Day would be celebrated every month.
4. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
5. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
6. Every woman that worked would have  to do so topless.
7. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a
    "Cheers for the sex - now f#*k off" would pretty much do it.
8. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
9. When the Police pull you over, every smart-alec answer you
    responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
    Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
    You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
    Cop: "Nice one, That's $20.00 off".
10. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
11. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
12. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
13. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable
     response to "I love you".
14. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
15. "Sorry, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse
     for absence and/or poor time keeping.
16. Lifeguards could remove people for violating "public ugliness" laws.
17. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again ?" cards.
18. Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.
19. "Fancy a shag" would be the only chat up line in existence and it
     would work every time.
20. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd
     get to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus like Fred Flintstone.

  Knights
In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires.

"I'm leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the key."

The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe, and takes one last look at his castle.

He sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop, Stop!"
When the squire caught up with the knight, he said, "Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the wrong key."

  Football tickets
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he said.

  Laundry
So this nun is doing her laundry. She's got her outfits in a sink and she's trying to get the colour back into them. She's getting really frustrated just when the priest walks in.

"What's wrong, sister?" he asks...

"Well this is the outfit that I used to wear, and I'd like to start wearing it again. But I can't get the colour back," she complains.

"Well," the priest says, "old habits dye hard."

  Three Wishes
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square.

I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, might I ask how your golf game is?"

The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."

"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied.

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"

Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"

The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

  Wrong Baby
A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby. The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I tink we will name him Sum Ting Wong."