Erection
This poor guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.

All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Damn!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"

"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. "It'll just have to be someone else's."

  Mother In-Law
This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night."

His buddy says, "What?"

The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch. She said, 'Can I stay here for a few days?' I said, 'Of course, you can,' and shut the door."

  Grammar
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow You to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

  Beautiful
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
first, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael. My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful........ just fucking beautiful"

  English
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'
Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'
Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

  Math
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'",
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

  Philosophy
A teacher asks her class,"If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
He replies,"None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied,
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on,... but I like your thinking."

  Religious Truths
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Mormons do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

  Viagra
This is your penis.........This is your penis on drugs.

  Watch Your First Step
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. The bus rolled up and it was her turn to board when she realized her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. She was slightly embarrassed, but with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she STILL couldn't reach the step! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a bit more and attempted the step once again. Much to her chagrin she still could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she unzipped the offending skirt once more and, again, was unable to make the step.

About this time a big Texan that was behind her in line, picked her up by the waist and gingerly placed her on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured that we were friends."

  Dry Cleaning
Two buddies, Paul and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Steve throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!"

Tony says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everything! Itsh not what you think. I only had a couple drinks. But this other guy got sick on me ... he'd had one too many and he just couldn't hold his liquor. He said he was very sorry an' gave me twenty bucks for the cleaning bill!"

Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."

"Oh, yeah... I almos' forgot, he shit in my pants, too."

  Wild Night
This guy and his girl go parking in his car on the side of the road. They take off their clothes and jump in the back seat. All of the sudden a 18 wheeler comes around the bend and hits the car causing it to barrel roll over a hill. The girl gets thrown from the car and the guy is trapped. "Go get help" he said.

She's standing there naked and her clothes were trapped with her boyfriend in the car. She noticed his shoes got thrown from the car as well. She picks up the shoes and heads for help. She walks down the road and spots a service station. She had to decide which part of her body she would hide, so she put the shoes up to her crotch and goes into the service station.

She walks up to the mechanic and says, "you gotta help me, my boyfriend is stuck."

The Mechanic said, "Lady, If he's in that far, there's nothin' I can do for him!"

  New Bike
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

  Same Thought
Two men are on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tightrope. The other is getting a blowjob by a 90 year old woman. Both get the exact same thought at the exact same time.

"Don't look down."

  Thirty things porno producers would have us believe
1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 secs is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly,middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a women off a speeding fine.
10. All women are noisy fucks.
11. People in the 70’s couldn’t fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman’s butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
15. If there is two men they "high five" each other, and the girl isn’t disgusted.
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don’t exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won’t bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend’s mouth.
19. There’s a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses suck patients cocks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she’ll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man’s cock, it’s important for him to remind her to "suck it". 26. Assholes are clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man’s zipper and find a cock inside.
29. Men don’t have to beg.
30. When standing during a blowjob, a man willalways place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman’s head and the other proudly on his hip.

  Pregnant Hillary
Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was in great shape, and pregnant. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call her husband.

"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?"

There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.

"Who is this?"

  Relative Humidity:
The sweat that forms between you and your cousin's stomachs when having sex.

  Survivor 2
A major network is planning the show "Survivor 2" this winter. In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas wins.

  Rabbit and the Bear
A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit. The bear leans over to the bunny and says"Do you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur?"
The bunny says "No".
So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass.

  Three men in a bar
There were three men in a bar. All three were sitting at the bar stool and one got up to use the bathroom. The other two men started talking. One man said, "So, what's new in your life?"

He responded, ",Well I just found out my son got a promotion. He used to be a janitor at the bank and now he is an executive. On top of that there's someone special in his life. He just bought his new love a brand new Lexus."

The other man says. My son also got a promotion and he has decided to settle down. He bought his new love a new house on the beach.

The third man comes back from the bathroom. He looked kind of upset so the other two men asked what's eating him. He responded, ",I just found out that my son is gay. The good part is his lover bought him a brand new Lexus and a new house on the beach."

  Have Another
A man leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed screwing his wife.

Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story.

"Wow, that's awful, what did you do?"

"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hi-tailed it back here. Shoot, they were just getting started, so I figure I got time for a couple more beers."

  Quickie
Bill and Marla had a small apartment in the city. and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

  Sex Around the World
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

  A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed
The passion is heating up, but then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

The husband says, "WHAT??" The wife explains that he is obviously not in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.

She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then they go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings.

The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but she does not care.

She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."

The husband stops and says, "No, honey, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."

The wife's face goes blank.

"No, honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile." The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode and the Husband says,"You are obviously not in tune with my financial needs as a Man.

  Things You Won't See On A Hallmark Card
Outside: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
Inside: that you're not here to ruin it for me

Outside: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
Inside: After having met you, I've changed my mind

Outside: I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.
Inside: I never believed in Hell till I met you

Outside: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:
Inside: What the hell was I thinking?

Outside: I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected
Inside: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly

Outside: The holidays are a great time to be with family
Inside: Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you lying, cheating, whoring bastard!

Outside: I'm so miserable without you,
Inside: it's almost like you're here

Outside: If you ever need a friend....
Inside: buy a dog

Outside: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy

Inside: Did you ever find out who the father was?

  Frontporch Pleadings
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"

Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Her: "No, no. I just can't"

Him: "I beg you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says.

"Mom says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, she can come down herself and do it. But tell him to take his fuckin' hand off the intercom..."

  Dating the Peanut Hero
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers,... our son in-law!"

  Facelift
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a news stand to buy a paper. Before leaving she asks the sales clerk,"I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32 " the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the woman say happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonalds and asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29". The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead". The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?" He removes his hands and says, "You are 47." Stunned the woman says, "That's amazing.

How do you know?" The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."

  Tatoo
A lady gets a tatoo on her left thigh of a turkey, when she went back in the parlor, she got a Christmas tree put on her right thigh. The tatoo man asked her, 'Why do you have a turkey on one side and a Christmas tree on another?'

The lady told him, 'Didn't you know that the best eating was between Thanksgiving and Christmas?

  Password
A woman is helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and tells him that he will now need to choose and enter a password, something he will use to log on.

The husband is in a a rather amorous mood and figures he will try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asks him to enter his password, he makes it plainly obvious to his wife that he is keying in "penis"...

His wife nearly falls off her chair from laughing so hard when the computer replies: ***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

  The Perfect Woman Would Say...
1. I'll swallow it all ... I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!
5. God ... if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
16. No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother did a great job raising you.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for God's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21. Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24. That was a great fart! Do another one!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya.

  Top Bumper Sticker's seen around the world
Constipated people don't give a crap.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.
My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
Thank you for pot smoking.
To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
I Have The Body Of A God......Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
Illiterate? Write For Help.
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes.
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now.
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
If you can read this, please flip me back over.. (seen upside down on a jeep)
Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.
GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.
Ax me about Ebonics.
Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel.
Boldly going nowhere.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!
Don't be sexist - broads hate that.
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost.
Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.
Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!