Perfect Woman
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for an intimate nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, she replies......"

"You just happened to catch my eye."

  Texas expressions
The White House is not just getting a new team, but a whole new language. George W. Bush will be bringing with him many friends from Texas, and for anyone not born in the Lone Star State, the Texan accent and the cowboy colloquialisms can seem a bit strange.
Here is a guide to a few of the more colorful expressions they might encounter:

1. The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving.
(Not overly-intelligent)

2. As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party.
(self-explanatory)

3. Tighter than bark on a tree.
(Not very generous)

4. Big hat, no cattle.
(All talk and no action)

5. We've howdy'd but we ain't shook yet.
(We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced)

6. He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow.
(He has a pretty high opinion of himself)

7. She's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth.
(That woman can talk)

8. It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs.
(We really could use a little rain around here)

9. Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly.
(Appearances can be deceptive)

10. This ain't my first rodeo.
(I've been around awhile)

11. He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch.
(Not the most handsome of men)

12. They ate supper before they said grace.
(Living in sin)

13. Time to paint your butt and run with the antelope.
(Stop arguing and do as you're told)

14. As full of wind as a corn-eating horse.
(Rather prone to boasting)

15. You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits.
(You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is)

  Miss Yukon
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.

"We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon."

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "Well, you found her." Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first." 

  British Engineers
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made and the gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the British engineers stood speechless as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof windshield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted THROUGH the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself into the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and asked the US scientists for some suggestions.

NASA responded with this one-line memo: "THAW THE CHICKEN"

  Christmas with Louise
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at K-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models.

The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog very confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I?
It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.
Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse.
We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.

I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

  Sound Investment
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on an 50 year old executive.

Nonplused, she loaded him into her car and drove down to the local hospital.

Pointing to fine structure she informed him that he owned the land it was built on and that they paid him $6000 per month rent.

She handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.

By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the seemingly disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

  The Purina Diet
I have a Labrador retriever.

I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

On impulse, I told her that no; that I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the guy was going to have to have help as he laughingly staggered to the door.

  Alien Visitor
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They
approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings,
Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response
and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you,"

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said
impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to
your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should
make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien
off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes
and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing
over him shaking his big green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" Exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did
you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If
there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis he can
wrap around himself and then stick it in his ear, you REALLY don't want to mess with him!"

  What would you do?
During a visit to a mental asylum, a benefactor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the benefactor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

  Iraq vs. Vietnam
Q. What's the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War?

A. George W. Bush had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War.

  Three Brazilian Soldiers
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

  George W. Bush's Intelligence Quiz
While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put Trent Lott to the test. He summons Trent Lott to the White House and says, "Senator Lott, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Lott hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Lott leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Lott calls Condi Rice at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now look here Condi, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?" Condi Rice answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb ass."

Much relieved, Trent Lott rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Condi Rice!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!"

  How to Organize Your Corporation
Directions:
Put 100 bricks in some particular order in a room with
a window.
2. Send 2 or 3 candidates into the room and close the
door.
3. Come back after 6 hours and analyze the situation.
If they are counting the bricks, put them in the
Accounting.
If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the
bricks, put them in Engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange
order, put them in Planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put
them in Operations.
If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them
in Information Technology.
If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations,
yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
If they have already left for the day, put them in
Marketing.
If they are staring out of the window, put them in
Strategic Planning.
Last but not least, if they are talking and bragging
to each other, and not a single brick has been moved,
congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

  School play
Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first
school play. It was to be a Shakespearean play.

The first little boy was to say, "My fair maiden.... I have come to snatch
a kiss and fill your soul with hope."

The second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark! A pistol shot."

Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a
bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with
grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to
remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up. The curtain
rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified.
They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin.

The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words.....
"My fair maiden.... I have come to kiss your snatch! And fill your hole
with soap."

The second boy screams out....."Hark! A shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot
of shit, horse shit, this is bull shit... I never wanted to be in this
lousy play anyway...

The audience left howling.........

  The Second Wife
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drink right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!", says the wife, "Who would believe a person could go on celebrating that long?

  Letter to Dad
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad."

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

  The Pharmacist
A girl asks her boyfriend, to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack.

I'm really going to give it to this girl, the boy tells the pharmacist. I intend to go for hours and hours. The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meet his girlfriend at the door. Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in. The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girls parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes passes and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, I had no idea you were this religious. The boy turns, and whispers back, I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.

  Bad Headache
Joe has been having severe headaches for several years now and his wife finally convinced him to see a neurologist. The doctor said, Joe, the good news is I can cure you headaches. The bad news is that, it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles, to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.

Joe was shocked, and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

He walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning, and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, that's what I need . . . a new suit.

He entered the shop, and told the salesman, I'd like a new suit.

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly, and said, let's see . . size 44 long.

Joe laughed, that's right, how did you know?

Been in the business 60 years, the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
how about a new shirt?

Joe thought for a moment, and then said, sure.

The salesman eyed Joe, and said, let's see, 34 sleeves,
and 16 1/2 neck.

Joe was surprised, that's right, how did you know?

Been in the business 60 years.

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. He walked comfortably
around the shop, and the salesman asked, how about some new underwear?

Joe thought for a moment and said, sure.

The salesman said, let's see . size 36.

Joe laughed, ah ha!! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.

The salesman shook his head, you can't wear a size 34.
A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine
and give you one hell of a headache.

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS 

  Harley Davidson vs Woman
Arthur Davidson died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter
told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to
hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne
Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one
who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something
that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run
without a road?"

Arthur was embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but
aren't You the inventor of woman?" God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you
have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold
on." God went to His Celestial super computer, typed
in a few words and waited for the results. The computer
printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention has a few flaws," God said to
Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my
invention than yours."

  The Bicycle Repairman
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WWIII. And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman!!! Why kill a bicycle repairman?"

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, dummy! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

  Horse Country
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."

A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man.

This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

  Proof of Identity
George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.

The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

  Math 1950-2006
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter
girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from
my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3
pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the
manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she
stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100 . His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5 Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.  What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

6. Teaching Math In 2006
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de
producciones es $80.

  Letter to an old friend
Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.

My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with CROWN & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. Not to mention you've gotten me laid quite a few times...but In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

  Be Careful Where You Pee
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they
had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee.  So they decided to stop in a nearby cemetery. Having nothing to wipe with, one of them thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said "These damn girls' nights out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her butt that said From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

  Doctor Dave
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And
you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "Dave............. Dave................. You're a Veterinarian."

  Bush joke
Years ago, Barbara Bush was traveling with Baby George Dubyah on a train. A drunk happened to be in the same car with her and was staring at Baby George.

"That is the ugliest fuckin' baby I've ever seen," he said, referring to Baby Dubyah. "He looks just like a chimp."

Barbara Bush was outraged and yelled for the Conductor, who came running. "This man is being insulting," she said.

The conductor saw the drunk's inebriated condition and quickly surmised the situation.

"Madam, I understand the problem and will now remedy the situation. I will take you to another car where this man can't bother you. In addition, on the way there we can go by the dining car where I'll see to it that you get a free meal."

Then looking at Baby Dubyah the conductor said, "I'll bet I can even find a banana for your monkey."

  Wally's
Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists that he go with
her to Walmart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store.

Dear Mrs. Fenton:
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in
Walmart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute           intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in housewares.. . and watched what happened.

5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on
layaway.

6 Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.

8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him , he begins to cry
and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,
and picked his nose.

10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the
clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.

11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.

12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.

13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes
the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least

15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here !!