Oil Change
Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change  $30.00
Coffee         $1.00
Total         $31.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.  Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under! car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.  Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining ! case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 through 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

But you know the job was done right!

  George Bush in the Afterlife
While walking down the street one day, George "Dubya" Bush is shot by a
disgruntled NRA member. His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.
Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem: We seldom see a Republican around these parts, so we're not
sure what to do with you.

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Dubya.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in hell and one day in heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in heaven."

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to
an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees.

In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it his dad  and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years:
Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Jerry Falwell.

The whole of the "Right" is here, everyone laughing, happy; casually but
expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants."
They play a friendly game of golf, then dine on lobster and caviar.

The devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink and says, "Have a
Margarita and relax, Dubya!"

"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Junior, dejectedly.

"This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from here!" says the devil.

Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the devil, who is a very
friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns.

They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to
go.

Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush steps on the elevator and
heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in heaven again and St. Peter is
waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven," the old man says, opening
the gate.

So for 24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good
natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than
money, and treat each other decently.

Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and,
while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people
are all poor; he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated
like someone special!

Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie
with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive.

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me
for this!"

The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."

With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Dubya reflects
for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this;
I mean, heaven has been delightful and all, but I really think I belong in
hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to hell.

The doors of the elevator open, and he finds himself in the middle of
barren, scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste, the
sky dark with smog.kind of like Houston. He is horrified to see all of his
friends dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags.

They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to Dubya and puts an arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya. "Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar and
drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning. Today you voted for us."

  Nor Cal Light Bulb
Q: How many Nor Cal'ers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Hella

   Old Shooter
A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better... I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"

The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang bang", and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."

The doctor said, "My point exactly."

  White Trash Musings
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and, presto, the blockage will be removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with your wife about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high-blood-pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40; if it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. So be
brief with people.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

  Miranda Rights
Reading him his Miranda Rights, a female police officer arrested a man for drunk driving.

The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Boobs."

  Coincidence
A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence" says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man ... "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he farmer replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence."

  Mathematics of Ageing
Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter that I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I will be home before midnight.

When he arrived at the hotel, there a fax was waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband,
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you read this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, my love, do not wait up!

  Who to Fire
The boss was in a quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision; they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The Boss approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit."

  Muscular Contractions
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

  Indian Wisdom
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied .

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes,
No debt,
Plenty buffalo,
Plenty beaver,
Women did all the work,
Medicine man free,
Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing,
All night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled .... "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

 Viagra
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 How to Drive in Phoenix, Arizona
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is "FEE-NICKS".

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush
hour is from noon to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop
101, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything
is considered "Wussy".

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its
own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the
loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go
second. However, East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS
have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed
out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can
get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour
barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle
of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels,
cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits,
crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on
any of these items.

9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the "I-10" are the same road.
- SR 202 is the same road as The Red Mountain FWY.
- Dunlap and Olive are the same street too.
- Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street.
- I-17 is also called The Black Canyon Freeway as well as The Veterans
Memorial Highway. And if all that isn't enough to remember SR 51 has recently been renamed to Piestewa Freeway because Squaw Peak Parkway was too easy pronounce.
- SR 101 is also the Pima FWY except west of I-17, where it is both the Black Canyon Freeway and The Veterans Memorial Highway.
- Lastly, traveling east, Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Rd. Traveling west, Cactus Rd. becomes Thunderbird. But the reverse is not true as they both dead end at a mountain.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the
shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone,
you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off"accordingly.
If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your
hands.

 Two Hicks
Two hicks cruising down a country road in their pickup. They come across a sheep with it's head caught in the fence. So they pull over and stop. The first hick whips his dick out and fucks the sheep.

He finishes up, turns to the other hick and says, "Okay bud, your turn!"

His bud says, "Do I have to stick my head in the fence?"

 Little Rascals
So the little rascals are in class. The teacher asks the students to say a word, spell it, and use it in a sentence.

Teacher turns to Alfalfa and gives him the world 'love'.

"Love, L O V E. I love Darla"

"Okay, now Buckwheat, your word is 'dictate'

"Dictate. D I C T A T E. Darla, how did my dictate last night?"